This is exactly it. 

I was hit with June Gloom today.  With winter being full in effect and everyone back home prancing around in the sunshine, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out. Yes yes I know, I feel like that every.single.day. Anyway, aside from the weather playing tricks with my head, I’ve also felt really out of it these past couple of weeks. I’ve been to a couple of job interviews and turned in countless applications, but it seems like all I’ve gotten in return have been a lot of negative responses.  Rejection is always difficult, but I’m determined to keep pushing forward and to keep applying.  All this rejection and all this gloomy weather has got me feenin to get back to San Francisco even more then I’ve ever wanted to.  I know I can’t get myself out from in between my rock and hard place until I have more money to support myself.  

Speaking of my future… I still have no idea what I’m going to do.  Every second the plans shift and move into something else, so much so that when I take a step back to assess my situation, nothing makes sense. Everything seems so out of reach.  I know certain things have to go on the back burner, and I know I can’t have everything I want at the same time, but I’m having real problems trying to figure out which thing to place in the forefront and which to save for later.  I’m confused and constantly thinking and thinking and thinking, but getting nowhere. 

Anyway, back to the picture… every time I talk to someone from back home, I’m showered with so much love. SO MUCH LOVE. I’m told how much they want me to come home, how they feel for me, and how they’re sure I’ll make it out alive.  and I appreciate it so so much, but ultimately I feel like the grumpy person under the umbrella.  Being alone in this country against my will has turned me into a completely different person.  I’m depressed and grumpy and quiet. and truthfully… I don’t see that changing until I start to find clear answers to my situation.